Is Masturbation A Sin? My Testimony on Freedom From Lust and Pornography

The Path To Masturbation and Pornography

This post is a little bit of a confessional for me and ripping away of the veil of pretenses. I have struggled with lust for most of my life. It was always my secret sin because as a girl growing up in a very strict Christian home lust was one of the worst sins I could possibly commit. I can’t tell you the number of times it was drilled into me at home and at church that I was to remain chaste, pure and a virgin until my wedding day. The only instruction that I was given was to keep my legs closed and I won’t bring dishonor to my God, family, and myself. This advice was extremely frustrating because although I and countless other girls were given the advice to keep our legs closed. The same due diligence didn’t appear to be given to the guys. There was this silent acknowledgment that boys will try and seduce me because at the end of the day boys will be boys. The problem is that this left me to be the sole gatekeeper to my chastity and didn’t address the issue of girls want sex too.

My experience growing up was something akin to living a double life. I had a heart for God and was very active in the church. I delighted in reading my Bible and learning about God and His ways. But on the other hand, I struggled at night alone in my bed with intense urges to masturbate. For the most part, I was able to keep the unexplained urges away until one night while watching tv in my bedroom I stumbled onto Cinemax at night. As I stared at the images on the screen I felt my conscience tell me to turn it off, that what I was watching was wrong. But at that moment something stronger than my conscience overruled it, and my body began to respond to what I was watching on the screen. That night led me down the path of being in bondage to pornography and lust.

Lambs to the Slaughter

I believe one of the biggest reasons why the instruction to just keep your legs closed fails to work time and time again, is because we live in a society that worships Love and Sex. In ancient times it was really easy to see what gods and goddesses reigned supreme in a society. Temples to goddesses of sex and pleasure were easy to find in times past. Although those societies have come and gone the spirits behind the deities still exist in our day. In today’s society, the worship of love and sex is saturated in our culture. Especially in American culture, the worship of love and sex is written about in our books, movies, songs, and fashion. In fact, it is not unusual for companies to advertise using a sexy model or actress because sex sells. The society we live in idolizes sex and as a result the spirits of lust and pornography reign virtually unchecked.

This is why giving a young girl or boy advice to just keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed never worked. Because even if on the outside a young person can refrain from sin, once you are behind closed doors like I was, the pull to masturbate (self-love) was always there. I was given physical natural advice to tackle a spiritual problem. Thus I never was told how to deal with this spiritual reality that was all around me. The more I watched porn and masturbated the more guilty and bound to sin I became.

Christian Watching Porn

I want to take a moment to talk about the corrupt nature of pornography in very real terms. When I first got hooked into pornography it was similar to the story of what you would hear a drug addict say about drug addiction. In my experience the initial climaxes I experienced when I was first watching porn were mind-blowing. But as time went on the intensity of the climaxes grew less and less. Which led me on a search for more intense pornography to get the same level of climax that I experienced in the beginning. This resulted in hours of watching pornography late at night and just like most drugs I couldn’t go to sleep at night until I masturbated. As I opened myself up to spiritual darkness each day, it led me down a path where masturbation wasn’t enough. I had to experience sexual interaction with another person. This led to phone sex on late night chat lines with complete strangers. The end result led me to want to meet and fulfill my sexual fantasies with another person.

During my descent into darkness, God never stopped reaching out to me to repent. I was still “saved” but my sin was separating me from the God I served. As time went on the thoughts and intents of my heart were on sex all the time. The irony of all this is that sex is a sacred act given to man by God himself. It is meant to be enjoyed wholeheartedly in the confines of marriage. What I found was that the reality of having sex never lived up to the fantasies I had in my head. I was never satisfied with my sexual encounters. It was by the grace of God that I didn’t get pregnant or catch a sexually transmitted disease. There was a part of me that was still terrified of being labeled a Ho, so I never racked up a high body count per se. However, the spiritual darkness grew within me every time I acted out on my lust.

Lust and Marriage

When I got married, I stopped watching pornography. I had reconnected with God enough that I no longer watched porn on a daily basis. But the part of me that was supposed to enjoy sex was broken. I still masturbated when my husband wasn’t around out of habit and as a way to relieve stress. I couldn’t connect with my husband the way I was supposed to. In many ways, my ex-husband suffered from the same fate as me. The culture we live in today glorifies sex. So now there are two broken people in a marriage that don’t know how to be one flesh the way God had originally designed it. Because I never was completely delivered from the bondage of lust, thoughts of prior encounters or porn I had watched before would pop up during intimate times with my husband. Instead of truly connecting, my mind would wander to what stimulated me before, which ended up cheating both me and my husband of God’s gift. Fast forward almost ten years and my marriage ended because of infidelity and other issues. I was left broken and devastated and in this state, I attempted to reenter the dating scene after twelve years off of it.





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Get Back Up Again

The Struggle

Many times on our Christian journey we find ourselves struggling to deal with the sin that so easily besets us. Speaking for myself, right now the Lord has me dealing with gluttony and using food as an emotional response. Although God has said that He is the God of all Comforts, I still found myself going on a junk food binge on this particular weekend. I knew what the God's word said in regards to the sin of gluttony, however, I found myself struggling to apply the Word and not giving into my flesh. Paul details a similar struggle in Romans 7:21-24 I find then a law, that evil is present with me, the one who wills to do good. For I delight in the law of God according to the inward man. But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? NKJV

As I was staring at myself in the bathroom mirror wondering why I failed again, and beating myself up mentally. The Lord gave me a word of wisdom that dried my eyes and gave me hope. I would like to share it with you dear reader, where ever you are.

A newborn baby takes many falls when first learning how to walk. But with each stumble, the parent helps the child to get back up again. As the child grows he stumbles less and less. The potential to trip and fall is always there (sin nature). But the expectation is that as the child grows into adulthood, his walk will become sure and he will be able to walk, run, and leap.

So it is in our walk with Christ. Sin is always present in our mortal body (Romans 7:17) with the ability to trip us up. But as we mature in Christ, first feeding on the milk of His word (1 Peter 2:2) and then progressing to solid foods; we get stronger and are able to discern between right and wrong (Hebrews 5:14). As a parent watches over a baby to catch them when they fall so our Heavenly Father watches over us(Psalms 11:5). 

But there is an expectation for children to hit developmental milestones. 

If a child does no hit certain milestones, then extra training is put in place to get the child where they need to be. God expects us to grow and mature in Christ. If we as God's children refuse to grow; Then God will give us situations that will force developmental maturity (Psalms 68:6, Wilderness Wanderings). This is all so that we can come into the fullness of the knowledge of Christ.

The worst thing I could do is to not get back up again after stumbling. You have to get back up and keep moving forward. Eventually, as the Holy Spirit enables you to practice righteousness the call of sin will grow fainter and fainter. Until you reach a point that you can walk sure-footed in your fellowship with God. So get up and continue your walk of faith!

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