Freedom From Lust Part 2

Lust and Dating

Hello again, if you are new to this blog I highly encourage you to read part one before reading this post. Entering the dating scene after ten years of being in a rocky marriage was terrifying. Because although my marriage wasn't ideal by any standard, it was familiar. To me familiar equaled safe. Now instead of taking the time to heal, recover and figure out who I am in Christ. I searched for someone to anchor me in the midst of all of my uncertainty.  Dating with a broken heart is never a great idea, but I did it anyway. On one level it felt good to know that I was desirable and wanted, but what I quickly found out, was that desirability seemed to be the main thing. I was bombarded with different offers, some from really respectable gentleman and some from straight-up perverts. However at the end of the day, it appeared that in order to be in a relationship sexual immorality would be required.

I knew what God's word said about waiting and not being unequally yoked with unbelievers. Although I saw God's provision in other areas of my life I didn't quite trust Him with my love life. So for a season, I did things the world's way. Dating the world's way made me feel really empty because I gave away the most permanent and precious parts of me to temporary people. I also found out that in order to date "successfully" my heart had to change in a way that I did not like. In order to guard my heart, I had to become cruel, and standoffish in order to keep a man's attention. I hated the person I was becoming, someone that can use and throw away another person's affections in order to protect myself from hurt while searching for the one. Cruelty, lust, selfishness, lack of self-control, impurity are all characteristics of Satan. I should not have been surprised that since I was doing things the world's way, I would begin to take on the world's characteristics. Let's not forget I was not fully divorced before I began dating, so I can add adultery to the list of sins that I was quickly piling up.

One of the beautiful things about God is His grace and mercy. I began to seek God's face because I had no peace in this area of my life. During this time the Lord revealed a new dimension of Himself to me that I truly had never known before. God was showing me in His word that He would be my anchor in the midst of my storms. Instead of trying to forge my own path that was leading to nothing but rebellious wilderness wanderings, God offered me another way. If I would humble myself, repent and submit to God, He would become not just my Healer, but my Husband too! One of my favorite scriptures during this season of testing was Isaiah 54. I used to say verses like this to myself over and over again. "For Your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is His name, and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the Lord has called you, like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, like a youthful wife when you were refused, says your God. For a mere moment I have forsaken you, But with great mercies, I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness, I will have mercy on you, says the Lord, your Redeemer."Isaiah 54:5-8 NKJV

Lust and Singleness

Eventually, God gave me the command to stop dating and to let Him choose my mate. This was a hard edict for me to accept, but I did it for the most part lol. At first, it was a struggle just learning to accept that it is ok to be alone but not lonely. Those two concepts are not the same thing. One of my biggest fears was to end up alone, but what I was really afraid of was the feeling of loneliness. My main coping mechanism for loneliness was porn and masturbation. Just like how alcoholics drinks to stop feelings of depression or fear, I used masturbation to get that dopamine high to cope with life. The closer I got to God during this time the more convicted I got of this sin, that I had since my teenage years. I found myself in this cycle of wanting to please God in this area and giving in almost all the time to my flesh. However, God knew exactly what to do to get my life to change. He made my life harder!

One of the amazing concepts of going through a Wilderness is that it is the place where God can purify, edify, and change a person into becoming more like Christ. Through the various trials that came, I learned about pressing in and developing a real everyday fellowship with God. The closer I got to God the more sensitive I became to the areas of sin in my life. I can honestly say for the first time, I truly began to see the ugliness of my sin and the depravity of my flesh. I was the temple of the Holy Spirit yet I was committing sins that were defiling the temple where God's Holy Spirit dwelt. I was no better than the Israelites that God spoke out against in Ezekial 8. The Lord made clear to me that I could no longer view pornography, commit masturbation and keep in fellowship with Him. I had to stop but how?

At first, I did it out of sheer will power and scripture. Satan is never going to let anyone just walk in purity without a fight. In the beginning, I had to learn to resist with scripture and prayer. I took to heart James 4:7-10 "Therefore submit to God, resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up." I said scriptures like this every time I got thoughts to indulge my flesh. Soon as I committed to obeying God in this area, He gave me more advice on protecting my purity. I became sensitive to the music I listened to and the shows I watched. I love playing music as I do chores like dishes or cooking. One day while washing dishes I was listening to Normani's song "Motivation". I'm not sure if it was during the song or immediately after but I noticed that my mind was bombarded with lustful thoughts. Images from past sexual encounters played in my head and I had to really fight to get the spirit of lust to leave me alone. 

That moment was hard but a great object lesson in protecting my eye gate and ear gate. I couldn't just play anything I wanted anymore. My flesh HATED the thought of restricting my music and the things that I saw. But Satan uses those things to harass and entice men to sin. It makes no sense for me to make my life harder because I value the presence of the Holy Spirit in my life more than anything else. Jesus said in Matthew 5:27-30 NKJV " You have heard that it was said to those of old, You shall not commit adultery. But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish than for your whole body to be cast into hell".

Deliverance From the Spirit of Lust

Little did I know that through all this that God was laying the ground work for me to gain complete victory over the spirit of lust. I found that now the time periods between repentance and sinning were growing longer and longer. Which for me was HUGE progress, but still there were times when it felt like an unsatiable urge would just consume my thoughts for HOURS at a time. I would pray to the Lord about what to do about it. Because I didn't understand why would that still be happening to me if I was controlling what I saw, hear, and I was feeding on a strong spiritual diet? Then one day I came across a teaching by the late Derek Prince called blessing and cursing. The sermon was about how Christians can still be afflicted by demonic forces that can cause sin and other unexplainable bad things to happen in their lives. I have always been wary about talks about demons and the like, the concept is scary and I wanted nothing to do with it. I figured that I wasn't under a curse because Christ became a curse for me when He hung up on the tree. But there was still this "thing" that afflicted me when I least expected it. So due to an odd series of events that happened to me over the prior two weeks, my mind was open to hearing this concept of deliverance from demons.

The presentation was simple and straight forward. Due to sin, demons are able to attach themselves to an individual causing them to be bound to that particular sin. But because Jesus has all authority now, we as believers can exercise that authority and rid ourselves of these demonic guests. Basically, the process was repent of sin, let the Holy Spirit guide if there are any other areas that need repentance, and command the demon to leave in the name of Jesus. That is the short version of the sermon I will post a link here to the full video. That is what I did I told the spirit that I repented of the sins of lust, sex, and masturbation and due to that, they no longer have the right to reside in my body. Then I commanded them in the name of Jesus to leave me now, and for good measure, I also plead the blood of Jesus against it. At the time I did this I was cooking in my kitchen, maybe in hindsight I should have been alone somewhere in my room in a quiet place. But I have kids and there is no such thing as a quiet place in the afternoon. But in the end that didn't matter. First I started burping really loud obnoxious burps. That freaked me out because I was doing this by myself and didn't want anything weird to happen on an Excorcist level if that makes sense.

I started praying harder because it felt like I was making some kind of progress. The burps turned into a nauseous feeling like I was vomiting something up from my stomach. I could feel the thing or things leave my body. When they were gone it was an incredible feeling of lightness and cleanness. Ever since that day, my walk with the Lord has been dramatically different. I no longer had a live-in saboteur pressuring me to give into my flesh all the time. Now when the bible talks about no longer being a slave to sin, and to be holy for I am holy, I am joyful because it is now possible to do. It is possible to live a holy life as a living sacrifice before God. Now although I still have the sin nature and I will always have the possibility to sin. I don't have to practice sin on a daily basis like I was before. Christ paid a huge price to redeem me from sin, and now I can fully enjoy this gift from my Savior.

Read More

Let Go of the Seed: Planting Season is Here

Let Go Of The Seed

Have you ever felt that God placed a call on your life? When I say a call, I mean a specific task or duty that you just can't seem to shake. Often times God calls His children to go out and spread the kingdom message to the world through the gifts that He has placed within us. Usually, when we as believers hear the phrase call of God, our minds immediately drift to preaching in the pulpit. And for some us, that very well may be true. God's kingdom needs evangelists, apostles, prophets, pastors, and teachers to expand the kingdom and equip the body of Christ. But God's kingdom does not consist of just pastors and teachers. The kingdom of Heaven needs writers, singers, artists, teachers, and business people as well. The truth is that the body consists of many members each performing their God-ordained tasks to expand Heaven's kingdom on Earth.

Scattering Your Seed

To each of us was given a God placed call on our lives for His kingdom purposes. Think of the call of God as a seed placed in your care. To everyone in the kingdom, God has given a seed tailored made for your unique abilities! I find it so amazing that the God of the universe has decided to partner up with His children to spread the kingdom of Heaven! In order for that seed to be successful and grow, it requires our obedience to our Heavenly Father's directions. You must sow the seed that has been entrusted in your care, and God will take care of the rest. Jesus said in Mark 4:26-29 "And He said, The kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed on the ground, and should sleep by night and rise by day, and the seed should sprout and grow, he himself does not know-how. For the earth yields crops by itself: first the blade, then the head, after that the full grain in the head. But when the grain ripens, immediately he puts in the sickle, because the harvest has come."

To those that obey the call of God and plant the seed, there will come many blessings and rewards. God will prosper and multiply HIS SEED, in your life, not yours. This is where the hard part comes into play. There were many, many times in my life where I wanted God to bless and multiply MY SEED. I would ask God to bless MY dreams, My plans, My wants, and MY desires. To be honest with you those dreams I harbored had nothing to do with the kingdom of God. My plans were exactly that; MY plans for building the life I wanted. You know what happens when you ask God to bless the work of your hands with YOUR SEED? Nothing but silence, you don't get heaven's results, you get your own. There were times that I could claim success, but it came with heartbreak and sorrow. I was responsible for tending and caring for the seed that I planted. It was like when God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden. They no longer had God's blessing on their seed in the ground, instead, they had to toil and labor for meager fruit. For the ground would no longer give them its strength.

What happens to the believer that lives their entire life never planting the seed that was entrusted to them? Jesus tells us in Matthew 25:24-28

"Then he who had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you have not sown, and gathering where you have not scattered seed. And I was afraid, and went and hid your talent in the ground. Look, there you have what is yours. But his lord answered and said to him, You wicked and lazy servant, you knew that I reap where I have not sown, and gather where I have not scattered seed. So you ought to have deposited my money with the bankers, and at my coming, I would have received back my own with interest. So take the talent from him, and give it to him who has ten talents. For to everyone who has, more will be given, and he will have abundance; but from him who does not have, even what he has will be taken away. And cast the unprofitable servant into the outer darkness. There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

You Reap What You Sow 

Jesus makes it very clear what happens to unprofitable servants in the kingdom of Heaven. the seed that entrusted to the lazy servant by the Master was given to the good servant instead. So it will be with us, to those of us that will sow the Master's seed. God will bless the work of our hands and entrust to us even more seed to grow. You find this principle in farming. At harvest time the farmer keeps back some of the harvests to use for future plantings. Ultimately the choice is ours, we can sow and be profitable or hold on to the seed and have it taken away! 

After a very tough Wilderness (outer darkness) season, I finally yielded my life to God's plans and purposes. God renewed His call and placed a seed in my hands. If you are a gardener, you know that there is no such thing as an instant harvest. In Genesis God told Noah that " While the earth remains seedtime and harvest, cold and heat, winter, and summer, and day and night shall not cease. ( Genesis 8:22) Once you plant your seed there will be a period of time before you see the results. Do not look at other people during this time and start comparing harvests and seeds. Everything takes place in cycles in farming, planting season, rainy season, and finally harvest season. Now that you have the seed you must plant it before the Lord sends the rains to water His seed in the earth. So let go of the seed in your hand and watch for the harvest that the Lord will bring in!

Read More

Is Masturbation A Sin? My Testimony on Freedom From Lust and Pornography

The Path To Masturbation and Pornography

This post is a little bit of a confessional for me and ripping away of the veil of pretenses. I have struggled with lust for most of my life. It was always my secret sin because as a girl growing up in a very strict Christian home lust was one of the worst sins I could possibly commit. I can’t tell you the number of times it was drilled into me at home and at church that I was to remain chaste, pure and a virgin until my wedding day. The only instruction that I was given was to keep my legs closed and I won’t bring dishonor to my God, family, and myself. This advice was extremely frustrating because although I and countless other girls were given the advice to keep our legs closed. The same due diligence didn’t appear to be given to the guys. There was this silent acknowledgment that boys will try and seduce me because at the end of the day boys will be boys. The problem is that this left me to be the sole gatekeeper to my chastity and didn’t address the issue of girls want sex too.

My experience growing up was something akin to living a double life. I had a heart for God and was very active in the church. I delighted in reading my Bible and learning about God and His ways. But on the other hand, I struggled at night alone in my bed with intense urges to masturbate. For the most part, I was able to keep the unexplained urges away until one night while watching tv in my bedroom I stumbled onto Cinemax at night. As I stared at the images on the screen I felt my conscience tell me to turn it off, that what I was watching was wrong. But at that moment something stronger than my conscience overruled it, and my body began to respond to what I was watching on the screen. That night led me down the path of being in bondage to pornography and lust.

Lambs to the Slaughter

I believe one of the biggest reasons why the instruction to just keep your legs closed fails to work time and time again, is because we live in a society that worships Love and Sex. In ancient times it was really easy to see what gods and goddesses reigned supreme in a society. Temples to goddesses of sex and pleasure were easy to find in times past. Although those societies have come and gone the spirits behind the deities still exist in our day. In today’s society, the worship of love and sex is saturated in our culture. Especially in American culture, the worship of love and sex is written about in our books, movies, songs, and fashion. In fact, it is not unusual for companies to advertise using a sexy model or actress because sex sells. The society we live in idolizes sex and as a result the spirits of lust and pornography reign virtually unchecked.

This is why giving a young girl or boy advice to just keep it in your pants or keep your legs closed never worked. Because even if on the outside a young person can refrain from sin, once you are behind closed doors like I was, the pull to masturbate (self-love) was always there. I was given physical natural advice to tackle a spiritual problem. Thus I never was told how to deal with this spiritual reality that was all around me. The more I watched porn and masturbated the more guilty and bound to sin I became.

Christian Watching Porn

I want to take a moment to talk about the corrupt nature of pornography in very real terms. When I first got hooked into pornography it was similar to the story of what you would hear a drug addict say about drug addiction. In my experience the initial climaxes I experienced when I was first watching porn were mind-blowing. But as time went on the intensity of the climaxes grew less and less. Which led me on a search for more intense pornography to get the same level of climax that I experienced in the beginning. This resulted in hours of watching pornography late at night and just like most drugs I couldn’t go to sleep at night until I masturbated. As I opened myself up to spiritual darkness each day, it led me down a path where masturbation wasn’t enough. I had to experience sexual interaction with another person. This led to phone sex on late night chat lines with complete strangers. The end result led me to want to meet and fulfill my sexual fantasies with another person.

During my descent into darkness, God never stopped reaching out to me to repent. I was still “saved” but my sin was separating me from the God I served. As time went on the thoughts and intents of my heart were on sex all the time. The irony of all this is that sex is a sacred act given to man by God himself. It is meant to be enjoyed wholeheartedly in the confines of marriage. What I found was that the reality of having sex never lived up to the fantasies I had in my head. I was never satisfied with my sexual encounters. It was by the grace of God that I didn’t get pregnant or catch a sexually transmitted disease. There was a part of me that was still terrified of being labeled a Ho, so I never racked up a high body count per se. However, the spiritual darkness grew within me every time I acted out on my lust.

Lust and Marriage

When I got married, I stopped watching pornography. I had reconnected with God enough that I no longer watched porn on a daily basis. But the part of me that was supposed to enjoy sex was broken. I still masturbated when my husband wasn’t around out of habit and as a way to relieve stress. I couldn’t connect with my husband the way I was supposed to. In many ways, my ex-husband suffered from the same fate as me. The culture we live in today glorifies sex. So now there are two broken people in a marriage that don’t know how to be one flesh the way God had originally designed it. Because I never was completely delivered from the bondage of lust, thoughts of prior encounters or porn I had watched before would pop up during intimate times with my husband. Instead of truly connecting, my mind would wander to what stimulated me before, which ended up cheating both me and my husband of God’s gift. Fast forward almost ten years and my marriage ended because of infidelity and other issues. I was left broken and devastated and in this state, I attempted to reenter the dating scene after twelve years off of it.





This is the end of part one subscribe to my email to be notified when I post part two of my testimony.

Read More